URFC First XV Squad Player Profiles   Name:               Gary ‘Directions’ Lowe Position:           Prop Quote:              I’m retiring Note:                Ageless stalwart of the URFC 1st XV & immovable fixture of the front row.  Although, in his latter years he’s showing a tendency to be a bit of a glory wendy boy, with him increasingly popping up on the wing to run in from all of 2m.     Name:              Neil ‘Queer Belly’ Hutchison Position:           Hooker Quote:              Take a look at me, a Zombie you will see Note:                Hutch is well established as joker of the pack & 1st XV hooker, dead-eye in the line out & dead-lazy in the loose.  Neil has a lucrative sideline as a Timothy Spall look-a-like.     Name:              James ‘Paddy’ White Position:           Prop Quote:              I’m telling you this is all the rage on Jermyn Street! Note:                James may well lead Upminster on the rugby front, and is 1st XV Captain for the 06/07 season. However where he falls down is the fashion front, where he ends up somewhere very close to a Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen jumble sale.     Name:              Nick ‘Memory’ Addison Position:           Lock Quote:              That was a 1-2, wasn’t it? Note:                Nicky A is our salmon-like jumper at the front of the line out, he’s what you might call our ‘banker ball’, providing he’s remembered the calls.     Name:              Richie ‘The Modgrandfather’ Russell Position:           Lock Quote:              I think they mistook me for Michael the fullback Note:                Evergreen campaigner in the second row recently called up to the Essex President’s XV, demonstrating the county’s commitment to youth development.  Richie is usually last out the changing room, not due to lack of enthusiasm for the big game, but more to do with the 4 jackets, 3 jumpers & 2 shirts he has to remove to get his kit on.     Name:              Paul ‘Pop Idol’ White Position:           Flanker Quote:              Where’s the try line? Note:                Sadly, Paul is afflicted by a lack of spatial awareness, which has led to embarrassing situations with him literally stood over the try line with ball in hand, unable to realise where he is on the pitch.  ‘Whitey Junior’ is like a camp version of Will Young.     Name:              Paul ‘Macca’ Mcleavy Position:           Flanker Quote:              ‘            ‘ Note:                The quiet assassin, he denies that it’s his father that scares the opposition into submission from the sidelines.  Macca has just completed an outstanding season where he was voted 1st XV player of the year.     Name:              Nick ‘Cannon’ Bull Position:           Flanker / Lock Quote:              All my clients are innocent Note:                Still managed to score 200 tries last season, despite catching less than 50% of the balls that got passed to him & running a zigzagging marathon to the try line each time.  Nick’s bizarre high knee lift style has brought tries aplenty & recent inclusion in the Great Britain 3 day eventing equestrian team.     Name:              John ‘Max’ Baker Position:           No. 8 / Flanker / Hooker Quote:              I’ll have you done for assault Note:                With his rampaging runs & foraging skills at the breakdown, hirsute John is like a wild boar driven mad by the smell of rich truffles.     Name:              Captain James Fawsitt Position:           No.8 / Flanker / Lock Quote:              It’s only a flesh wound Note:                URFC’s answer to Mr. Motivator.  James had his nervous system removed at the age of 5 & feels no pain.     Name:              Mark ‘Fred’ Houseago Position:           No.8 Quote:              I’m working lates on a Tuesday Note:                Captain Fantastic of the last 3 years, Fred has decided to take a breather to concentrate on getting fit & avoiding the inevitable promotion to the front row.  He had an injury ravaged 05/06, but a late flurry of tries in the final game of the season shows what we had missed, i.e. a ball greedy number 8.     Name:              Jamie ‘Scarface’ Pavitt Position:           Scrum Half Quote:              I’ve had enough, I’m leaving Note:                Like all good number 9’s, Jamie has an eye for a gap & a quick pass.  However, the thing that truly puts him in the upper echelons of scrum half play is his ability to moan.     Name:              Rob ‘House Husband’ Stanley Position:           Scrum Half Quote:              The pass was fine, he was just stood in the wrong place Note:                Half of the heaviest half back pairing in rugby, possesses a razor sharp pass that comes in handy to either strim the grass or cut Scott’s hair.     Name:              Scott ‘Lean Mean' Murphy Position:           Fly Half Quote:              I will weigh less than 15 stone by the start of the season Note:                Heavyweight Scott dances through opposition defences with the finesse of a ballet dancing baby elephant.  Our number one kicker, in the same way that the one eyed man reigns in the kingdom of the blind.  Most Improved Player 05/06.     Name:              Rob ‘Black Ball’ Lee Position:           Centre Quote:              I’ve calmed down, YOU F£$%@NG C&%£$ W£$% $H1£!!!! Note:                A pocket dynamo of an inside centre with great strength & the ability to penetrate deep into opposition lines.  Unfortunately, Rob hasn’t done any deep penetrating for a while, as he nursed a ruptured groin for much of 2006.     Name:              Craig ‘Horse’ Morgan Position:           Centre Quote:              I can’t believe I’m missing the 2nd XV final, again Note:                Craig is a hard centre, rather like a peanut M&M with a Ming the Merciless goatee.  He cuts quite a dash as he gallops through defences with his silver mane glinting in the sunlight.     Name:              Ross ‘Escobar’ Fairbairn Position:           Centre / Full Back Quote:              Sorry I’m late Note:                Ross is in possession of a rock hard tackle that John Holmes would be proud of.  He is an unselfish player that always tries to help his team-mates score, unfortunately, whilst his hits are timed to perfection, his arrival & passes aren’t.  He’s better at scoring himself.     Name:              Chris ‘Downunder’ Davey Position:           Centre / Wing / Somewhere in the Pacific Quote:              Well I would have been top scorer if I’d played the whole season Note:                Chris started the season like a train & many opposition players still bear the scars.  He’s currently swanning his way around the Southern Hemisphere eating for England in an attempt to make Scott look toned.     Name:              Tony ‘Just for Men’ Norton Position:           Wing Quote:              Err, my girlfriend made me dye it for a Halloween party Note:                An incredibly powerful & quick runner, Tony is the principal beneficiary of the space created by our slick passing backs division, as evidenced on one occasion last season.     Name:              Stuart ‘Club Man’ Field Position:           Wing Quote:              My car’s broke & there are no cabs anywhere & the dog ate my homework Note:                Part of famed URFC Ant & Dec duo with Lewis Calcutt.  Stuart has been a first team regular for nearly 10 years now & has lost teeth & added girth, but still remains one of the quickest in the club – especially when the bar’s about to shut.     Name:              Nick ‘Maori Sidestep’ McConnachie Position:           Full Back / Wing Quote:              Yes, I am running Note:                Nick is a deceptively fast runner, deceiving everyone, including himself & doesn’t let a sidestep get in the way of an opportunity to run through a player.     Name:              Michael ‘Tampon’ Gaudin Position:           Full Back Quote:              I’m feeling a slight niggle Note:                Michael is a relatively new addition to the URFC fold, but his assuredness under the high ball & ability to break from deep have seen him catapulted into the 1st XV.  Unfortunately, due to various injuries he only seems to be around one week in four.     Name:              Steve ‘Mowgli’ Sholl Position:           Coach Quote:              I’m not the Coach, I’m not in the handbook Note:                Over the course of the last 20 years, as a player & now a coach, Sholly has been influential on shaping URFC style of playing.  Essentially he has turned a mild mannered group of Gentleman into a mob of Referee-bating, foul mouthed moaners.